The one where Rachel illuminates the Enneagram

December 12, 2019
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Twos, I need your help. A friend of mine is trying to track down a specific T-shirt to wear to an upcoming Enneagram training at his workplace.

It reads, “I’m whichever number doesn’t care about the Enneagram.”

Yeah, he’s that guy. (Cough: What an Eight! … Or maybe a Four who doesn’t want to be put in a box?)

By now, I have either caught you completely Ennea-unaware, or you’re rightfully accusing me of drive-by typecasting — totally misusing what has become one of my favorite aids for personal and relational growth. Kim and I picked up a book about the Enneagram this summer. Reading it together was like fog lifting out of San Francisco Bay.

  • Rachel Briscoe

An experience like that makes you want to engage further, so we scheduled coffee with Rachel Briscoe, a personal and business coach, at The Garden Coffee & Local Eats in Spokane Valley. Rachel is passionate about “digging in deep with people and helping them go from where they are now to where they were created to go,” and the Enneagram is one of her favorite vehicles to aid this transformation.

“When I was first introduced to the Enneagram, I tried it on, and it fit so well,” she said. “It’s like somebody lifted the veil, and all the work I needed to do in my own heart to take that next step was just laid out.”

The Enneagram breaks down nine basic personality types.

“It’s an intimate way of understanding who you are, how you show up in the world and how the world best receives you,” Rachel said. “Once you have that understanding, it gives you more compassion for yourself and more compassion for others.”

“It’s an intimate way of understanding who you are, how you show up in the world and how the world best receives you.”

Rachel Briscoe

What happened next in our conversation was equivalent to a 5-year-old picking up a running chainsaw at a Christmas tree farm.

I was the 5-year-old, and I essentially said: “That’s so cool Rachel guess what I’m a Nine and so how can I be a better parent and friend and husband and if it helps Kim’s a One (makes sense, huh) — oh, and then tell me the same thing about all the other types so I can help all my friends and then write about it.”

Then my Nine kicked in: “But whatever you think would be best.”

Fortunately, Rachel knows how to handle kids with chainsaws. The Enneagram is a tool, and like any tool it can be used poorly — in ways that are inefficient at best and destructive at worst. So before Rachel answered all my questions, she shared some guidelines for wise use of this powerful tool in relationships.

Leave room to be different
Ever been confused why your spouse or friend isn’t showing up the same way you are showing up for the relationship?

“The Enneagram gives us the power to have compassion and to understand that there are nine ways to be normal,” Rachel said. “When we understand this is just another normal way to show up for the world, then it leaves room for both of us to be different.”

Relationships have two people
When I asked Rachel my probable parenting strengths and blind spots as a Nine, she offered an important clarifier. Just considering my own strengths and weaknesses as an individual is not enough information to understand my strengths and weaknesses in a relationship.

“As parents, it can be easy to forget that our kids are their own people, and who they are has just as much to do with the success of the relationship as who we are,” she said.

Only with that dual knowledge will our own strengths and blind spots in a particular relationship come into focus.

When your strength is also your blind spot
“The best teachers are those who had to learn it first,” Rachel said. Which is why she is going to have a hard time teaching you how to “read a room.” She’s a Two, a type that “walks into a room with a thermometer,” able to intuitively look around and sense how people in the room are feeling, what kind of day they are having.

It’s an intuitive thing for her, but if she tried to teach some other number something that she never really had to be taught?

“I can show my kids what it looks like to serve others in an intuitive way, but my blind spot is I can’t teach them something I’ve never learned how to do,” she said.

It’s draining not to be you
Sometimes the demands of life — a job, a relationship, a conflict — will ask us to play a role that really isn’t in our sweet spot. Sacrifices like this might be sustainable for the moment, but they are not a healthy lifestyle decision.

“We can all hold a role that is needed for the environment around us, but if we are not energetically in tune with who we are and how we are created, it will drain us so fast,” Rachel said. “When you meet people who are burned out, it’s probably because they have been operating at a level that they are not supposed to be operating at. Leave that for someone else who is supposed to show up that way.”

The nine types
Of course, another tip might be this: Don’t trust a single article to plumb the depths of the Enneagram. It can’t. That’s why links to Rachel’s favorite resources are included at the end of this story.

The names for each of the nine numbers are taken from one of those links, yourenneagramcoach.com, a site where Rachel has gained training and resources to help in her coaching practice. This quick overview of each type is followed by insight from Rachel regarding what each type can bring to a relationship.

Ones: The Moral Perfectionists
Responsible, Idealistic, Self-controlled, Purposeful, Fair
“(Ones) are able to really help people understand a clear direction. … They can compassionately come into a relationship and guide it in the right direction, helping someone understand what is a good and right path to go down. When it’s healthy, it comes across as guidance, not nagging.”

Twos: The Supportive Advisors
Caring, Generous, Nurturing, People-Pleasing, Warm
“Twos bring a deep sense of service to a relationship. They need to feel like they are serving someone or something outside of themselves. … They want to play a starring role in someone else’s story! (Healthy or unhealthy — you can see how that could be a problem.)”

Threes: The Successful Achievers
Competent, Productive, Driven, Image-Conscious, Adaptive
“I believe the energy of a Three is what makes it possible for things to move forward efficiently. … If you are around a healthy Three, you are going to want to achieve something big in your life. They probably aren’t the ones who are going to help you step by step get there, but a three is your walking vision board.”

Fours: The Romantic Individualists
Deep, Unique, Tasteful, Expressive, Emotional
“Fours are the friends who want to try new things with you just to have that experience with you. … In a relationship, they bring a certain amount of creativity and beauty that other types can’t. Envy is something to watch out for as Fours can show up competitive in relationships.”

Fives: The Investigative Thinkers
Cerebral, Perceptive, Innovative, Introspective, Private
“Fives are happiest when they are collecting data, even if that’s people watching in a coffee shop. … It is one of the highest compliments if a Five lets you into her inner circle, because it is exceptionally, intentionally small. If Fives aren’t careful about their own boundaries, they can drain themselves quickly.”

Sixes: The Loyal Guardians
Prepared, Hard-working, Committed, Security-oriented, Responsible
“A Six is someone who will go to bat for you. They are so loyal. … They want to have a deeper understanding of people in their circles, and they want to protect the relationship. … If they don’t feel security in a relationship, it feels like everything is going to fall down around them.”

Sevens: The Entertaining Optimists
Fun-loving, Spontaneous, Creative, Imaginative, Inspirational
“Sevens bring the fun. They are the ones who want to help you find the fun. An average to unhealthy Seven is more self-serving — what feels fun to me — but in a healthy relationship, they want to find out what fills you up and is fun for you, and they will do that thing.”

Eights: The Protective Challengers
Direct, Bold, Decisive, Powerful, Self-Confident
“Eights bring strength to a relationship. They are good at saying, ‘No, you need to advocate for yourself.’ They won’t take over your life and do it for you if they’re healthy. … An eight in a healthy relationship will empower. When it’s not healthy, it’s controlling.”

Nines: The Peaceful Mediators
Agreeable, Calm, Enduring, Easygoing, Receptive
“There is something about a Nine in a relationship that they tend to fill in the gaps of what a relationship needs. It’s almost like the Nine will wait and see. ‘OK, I’m in a relationship with a Two. What does the Two bring to the table? I will fill in the blanks.’ … They need to watch out for losing themselves.”

For more on the Enneagram …

Rachel recommends the following online resources for further learning on the Enneagram:

enneagraminstitute.com
integrative9.com
yourenneagramcoach.com

• • •

For people wanting to learn more without committing to paid online evaluations, she likes the free Enneagram test at yourenneagramcoach.com.

Curious to take the next step in learning more?
Head to go.oncehub.com/rachelBcoaching and sign up for a complimentary Enneagram conversation with Rachel. You can also connect with her at rachelBcoaching@gmail.com.

Rachel Briscoe is a personal and business coach, team development trainer — and a Two. She and her husband run four local businesses.

Coffee Notes

Rachel likes to meet clients at The Garden, where she orders a Spiced Chai Tea Latte with Oat Milk. “It tastes like Christmas!” she said. “I literally order this everywhere I go, and it’s the best at The Garden. Hands down!”

For more on The Garden Coffee & Local Eats, check out this profile I posted in October.

  • Thanks so much to Rachel Briscoe for sharing her Enneagram wisdom for this story! 
    — Josh Johnson (soccer jersey: Huddersfield Town)

Feature image credit: “Enneagram clock” illustration (which creatively shows a Type 5 with a 4 Wing — confused? ask Rachel! — courtesy of www.fitzel.ca/enneagram

While you’re here, would you do me a favor?

If you enjoy articles like this one, join the CoffeeJosh mailing list. It’s hurry-free, spam-free and also free … free. As a thanks, I’ll send you a PDF — you guessed it, free — that has 10 of the best coffee shop orders in the Spokane area. (All 10 are drinks and treats local coffee shop owners make for themselves. In this case, expect to pay for your order and feel like it was totally worth it.)

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Can’t keep up the pace? Hope amidst burnout

February 20, 2020
0

Isaac Hebden is a runner, but I’m his friend anyway.

The other day he told me this terrible story about a time he ran 12 miles in an unfamiliar neighborhood and decided it wasn’t far enough, so he swerved off his planned route with the intention of cutting back over to the area where his final destination waited.

When his new path didn’t allow for a cutback route, he just kept plodding away in the wrong direction, mile after mile. And you know what he finally did when he got tired enough? He stopped and called his wife to come bail him out.

  • Dr. Isaac Hebden at The Garden Coffee & Local Eats

I don’t know what it would be like to ever run that far, but I have a lot of experience traveling stubbornly in the wrong direction and hoping no one would notice I’m looking more and more ragged with each passing landmark.

Out of gas.

Out of water.

About to collapse.

Looking for any option other than admitting my need to be rescued …

• • •

Isaac Hebden is a pastor, and he’s a friend to people like me anyway.

Actually, he’s got a soft spot for the choose-your-own-adventure type. He’s traveled those roads himself.

Isaac likes a story told by Jesus about a young man who passionately pursued everything he wanted from life and ended up broke and desperate. And then Jesus delivers this epic line about what ended up being the turning point for this guy: “When he finally came to his senses.”

This guy is best known as the Prodigal Son (not to be confused with the crime drama Mondays on FOX), and I can relate to him. A few years back I was doing the whole have-and-eat cakewalk. I worked crazy hours trying to tame a beast of a business that was actually slaying me. Along the way, I kept believing I could be a first-rate husband, father and friend without changing a thing about my life. What I was really doing was running scared in the wrong direction, lying to myself that my lucky break was just around the bend.

Can you relate? Ever come up with a recipe for Awesome Sauce that ended up tasting like Awful Sauce — and served it anyway? Ever realized you’re at the end of your rope — and kept reaching anyway? Ever been exposed and made up a face-saving narrative — what’s the point of vulnerability, anyway?

Isaac was one of the people who helped me with that whole “finally come to my senses” thing. It was good to have friends nearby, because let’s be honest: This is brutal.

“There is a moment where you have an awakening where you realize, ‘I’m not the person I thought I was, and I can either do something about it or put my head down and keep running,’” Isaac said. “How many people put their head down and keep running because it’s painful to look around and say, ‘Have I been on the wrong road all along?’ Who wants to do that?”

If you find yourself at such a crossroads, may the good Lord give you a friend like Isaac, someone who has been there, done that, and lived to write 48,000 words about it.

• • •

Isaac Hebden is a doctor, but for now he has agreed to be my friend anyway.

All those words were for a dissertation he wrote last year en route to achieving his doctoral status. The dissertation examined the prominence of pastoral burnout and strategies toward a more holistic, emotionally healthy approach.

For Isaac, it was a timely project, seeing as how the longtime associate pastor at his Spokane Valley church, The Intersection, was recently named the new lead pastor.

That’s not to say the conclusions he reached are only for pastors. After all, the symptoms he was describing — emotional fatigue, disillusionment, exhaustion, self-deception — cross vocational lines. Isaac said the solutions, while drawn from the life and teachings of Jesus of Nazareth, work both inside and outside the church.

“We just believe that the principles Jesus lives by and teaches will make your life better, so if you don’t even believe in Jesus, try the principles and see if it works,” he said.

• • •

Isaac Hebden is a human being, and that’s more important than his resume.

Yes, he can run for days, pastors a church and has earned a doctorate, but his research — and his experience — has taught him that Jesus didn’t accomplish all kinds of things in order to form his identity, but the other way around.

“Jesus was clear on his purpose and his identity, and out of that he was able to do things of significance, and from there it was fruitful,” Isaac said. “We try to make fruit and then become significant. … We do things in order to be accepted, and so it’s backwards.”

So how do we find peace in our own skin without having to put on another exhausting show for acceptance? Isaac encourages people to go on a journey of building self-awareness and implementing practices of “being.”

Whether you follow Jesus or not, tools like the Enneagram can help you better understand your makeup and lead you on a pathway to more holistic health, Isaac suggested, adding that self-awareness is aided by community and humility.

Isaac recommends surrounding yourself with people who will tell you the truth in love, and then actually listening to them instead of playing the role of defense attorney.

“There is a required amount of humility that one has to have (for) self-awareness,” he said. “Those people who do not ask for help and don’t want to be in community, who aren’t willing to listen, they will end up in trouble.”

After vulnerability paves the road for greater self-awareness, Jesus modeled a set of practices that are more about personal growth than showy accomplishments. Examples include celebration, community and quiet solitude, among others. He said that last one is particularly rare in our plugged-in, distraction-rich culture. Contrary to popular opinion, you don’t have to be a monk to practice solitude. Isaac said even successful CEOs are known to start their day in stillness and quiet.

“Silence reminds me that I’m not in control, that there are other things beyond me,” he said. “What is devalued unintentionally (by our culture) is the idea of being. … So to just sit and not do anything is so counterintuitive to what we think is beneficial, but perhaps it’s the most beneficial 15 minutes of the day.”

Whether it’s embracing the quiet, a heartfelt visit with a friend or pausing to celebrate, the theme of many Jesus practices is simply slowing down. Isaac said this helps people feel more integrated, more whole, more healthy.

“The best that I can bring into any situation is the healthiest me, which requires some self-reflection,” he said.

One good thing about “finally coming to your senses”? The “doing” path is shown for what it really is — exhausting, unhealthy and ultimately unfulfilling.

“Everybody has some specific identity; every person has intrinsic value,” he said. “The difficulty for each person is to get off the treadmill, look around and see who you really are.”

Connect with Isaac Hebden at The Intersection Church, 905 N. McDonald Road in Spokane Valley or reach him at ihebden@theintersection.info.

Coffee Notes

Isaac and I met for this conversation at The Garden Café & Local Eats in Spokane Valley. Isaac’s go-to order is an Americano. Before I realized Isaac had secretly arranged to put my order on his tab, I went for an oat milk latte and — why not? — a bowl of chicken tortilla soup. Man, it was delicious. Thanks, bro!

  • Thanks for the coffee, the soup and for letting me read your dissertation, glimpses of which I recognized from the many times you have spoken into my life over 25-plus years of friendship. I’m blessed.
    — Josh Johnson (soccer jersey: Tooro United F.C. of the Uganda Premier League)

While you’re here, would you do me a favor?

If you enjoy articles like this one, join the CoffeeJosh mailing list. It’s hurry-free, spam-free and also free … free. As a thanks, I’ll send you a PDF — you guessed it, free — that has 10 of the best coffee shop orders in the Spokane area. (All 10 are drinks and treats local coffee shop owners make for themselves. In this case, expect to pay for your order and feel like it was totally worth it.)

Love yourself first

March 19, 2020
2

Guest post by Kylie Johnson

“Before I love someone else, I’ve got to love myself.” Recognize that line from the song “Save Myself” by Ed Sheeran? Or maybe you have heard “Lose You To Love Me” by Selena Gomez? Those two songs talk about loving yourself before you get into a romantic relationship.

But how do I love myself, and why is it important to love yourself before going into a relationship? Like a lot of teens, I have questions on this topic, so I decided to invite my crazily artistic, fun-loving and beautiful aunt to coffee to talk about it.

Hannah Johnson has an undergraduate degree in psychology and was recently accepted into Gonzaga to pursue a masters in school counseling and become a licensed professional counselor. We decided to go to The Garden Coffee and Local Eats, and she brought along her 5-year-old son, Oakley, who was kind enough to take our picture for this story. The coffee was so good! I was trying hard to focus on the subject at hand, but my mind would go back to my delicious blended mocha.

Hannah wisely approached this subject with a definition.

”I think it’s important to define self love as valuing yourself as a whole and having confidence in who you are; it’s important to recognize that it’s different from simply comparing yourself to others or being self-focused,” she said. “Some people think it’s narcissistic, but it’s really just having a value of yourself and where you’re at. Self love is just a healthy view of yourself; it’s healthy for everybody.” 

  • Hannah Johnson and Kylie Johnson enjoy chilly beverages and meaningful conversation at The Garden Coffee and Local Eats (prior to recent COVID-19 restrictions). Photo credit: Oakley Johnson, 5-year-old master photographer

How could I build my self love? Like a lot of people, I can be pretty hard on myself, and I could work on building my self-compassion. Hannah gave multiple great points, such as following positive accounts on Instagram, doing fun leisure activities and building social connections. 

“Your peers can influence you even more than a trusted adult, parent or guardian,” she said. “If your peers are not boosting your self-esteem, then you need to notice that and maybe put some distance there.” 

What does self love look like when you’re ready to go into a romantic relationship? Hannah listed three areas to get right first. The first one is self kindness; don’t criticize yourself for your flaws. Then you need to realize your common humanity, which is that everyone makes mistakes and acknowledging the weaknesses you have makes you human. The final step is mindfulness, which is to be aware of negative self talk. All of us can grow in an area or two, but that’s no reason to beat yourself up about it.

Wait … if you don’t love yourself and you dive into a romantic relationship, is that really a bad thing? How would it affect the relationship? Would it affect the relationship? 

”It can totally affect your relationship because if you don’t recognize your own self worth then you can begin to expect others to fill that hole,” she said. “You also won’t be able to protect yourself and stand up for yourself in tough situations.” 

“Some people think it’s narcissistic, but it’s really just having a value of yourself and where you’re at. Self love is just a healthy view of yourself; it’s healthy for everybody.” 

Hannah Johnson

Hannah also said that if your self love is at an unhealthy spot it will negatively affect both sides of the relationship. One person will need to take more than they can give, which is exhausting for both people.

That makes sense, but what should I do if I’m in a relationship when one person does not have a healthy amount of self love? Hannah suggested that in these seasons, the healthier partner needs to have sensitivity and awareness and help the other person practice self love. Self love isn’t going to be natural for everybody. If it’s at a really unhealthy point, then you may need to break it off and give them time to focus on themselves. If they are hurting themselves, then it will be harder but still be the right thing to do.

”In the end, everyone is responsible for their own actions,” Hannah said. 

If you need to work on self love and you’re in a romantic relationship, you need to realize that it’s not selfish to take time to yourself and break it off, if that’s what you feel like you need to do. You should know that it’s not the other person’s responsibility to carry your negative self talk burden and that you can’t rely on them to feel good. In either situation, it’s never bad to go and talk to a counselor or someone you trust so they can give you input.

Hannah and I sure had some deep conversations about this topic while little Oakley played on his tablet and my phone. Our drinks were amazing, and I absolutely loved the vibe and atmosphere of The Garden. It was a great place to just share a treat with a loved one and talk. I learned so much more about this topic because of Hannah and give her much thanks. I’m glad I could show myself a little love with the blended mocha and whether it’s with a coffee or just giving myself grace, I think I’m going to start treating myself more often.

Guest contributor Kylie Johnson is a freshman at Mica Peak High School in Spokane Valley. She drinks blended mochas, eats ice cream by the pint and plans to marry Five Seconds of Summer drummer Ashton Irwin. Until they get the chance to actually meet, she is focusing on self-compassion.

While you’re here, would you do me a favor?

If you enjoy articles like this one, join the CoffeeJosh mailing list. It’s hurry-free, spam-free and also free … free. As a thanks, I’ll send you a PDF — you guessed it, free — that has 10 of the best coffee shop orders in the Spokane area. (All 10 are drinks and treats local coffee shop owners make for themselves. In this case, expect to pay for your order and feel like it was totally worth it.)

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