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Crazy coffee orders that were actually placed

August 7, 2020
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To introduce a new series on coffee literacy called Coffee for the Average Josh, I asked some friends about the craziest coffee orders they’ve ever received.

The responses didn’t necessarily help me discover gaps in what people know about coffee, but they did prove that people have a sense of humor …

“A 24 ounce caramel, creme de menthe, white chocolate powder, butterscotch, English toffee, peppermint and white coffee. He called it the spicy hoppin’ grasshopper with a twist.”

— Anabel, Crush Coffee Bar


“A 16 ounce extra hot latte with 3/4 pumps of Irish cream, 3/4 vanilla, stirred once to the right and three times to the left with whip. The employee said, ‘You’re funny,’ thinking he was joking, but his reply was, ‘I am serious,’ with no smile.”

— Kim Cline, Shotzy’s Coffee


“A 32 ounce ‘blended cappuccino’ (not a thing) with seven pumps of hazelnut, seven pumps of vanilla bean and seven pumps of peppermint. Yikes.”

— Rosa, Bee Kind Coffee


“A quad 20 ounce s’mores mocha. Might not sound that strange except the majority of my customers were medical staff. … You’d think such clientele would have a more cautioned and reasoned approach to sugar and caffeine. Not so much. They did tip well, though.”

— Josh Jensen, Jensen Handcrafted
(Plus former barista and jack of all trades)


“Here is one that our Pines crew received through Uber: 32 ounce caramel; chocolate; dark chocolate; white chocolate; pumpkin; Irish cream; caramel syrup; salted caramel; blue raspberry; banana; with one white, one dark, one ristretto; whip with matcha sprinkled on top of the whip.”

— Christopher Arkoosh, Wake Up Call


“I’ve been doing this for so long nothing can be too weird at this point, but back in the day I used to think the craziest was your typical, ‘I’ll have a 12 ounce hot, but not too hot, 130 degrees, split shot (half decaf, half regular), sugar free vanilla, not a lot of syrup, only half a pump, no foam, Americano, with coconut milk. Make sure and give me about 2 inches of that coconut milk! Oh, and no sleeve but with straws. I want a big straw, not small straws.’ This unfortunately is now a regular thing so I’m used to it.”

— Tasha Branning, The Blissful Whisk


Want to gain a little coffee confidence and enjoy a couple laughs along the way? Follow the “Coffee for the Average Josh” post series by signing up for the free CoffeeJosh newsletter. Other great spots to check out include Instagram or Facebook.

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Related Posts

What’s the difference: cappuccino, latte, mocha, americano?

November 13, 2020
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Touring four staples of the American espresso menu

<Coffee for the Average Josh, Part 7 of 10>

What’s the right way to make a cappuccino? What is the proper ratio of espresso to milk to foam? Should it include a dusting of cinnamon or chocolate powder? Is a proper cappuccino wet or dry?

Cue Magic 8 Ball: “Reply hazy.”

You may as well ask me the right way to make a chocolate chip cookie. (It’s my wife’s recipe, and my youngest daughter nearly has it mastered, too.)

But while the “right” way is open to interpretation, a basic definition can help when touring four pillars of most American espresso menus: the cappuccino, latte, mocha and americano.

Cappuccino

What is it

Espresso topped by steamed milk topped by a thick layer of milk foam.

Trivia trio

  1. Monk business: Cappuccino takes its name from the Capuchin friars of Italy. When the drink was introduced in Italy, people thought the color of the espresso mixed with frothed milk looked similar to the color of a Capuchin robe. Note these same monks were so famous for their color scheme, when a species of similarly shaded primates were discovered in Central America they were dubbed “capuchin monkeys.”
  2. Wet vs. dry: The baseline for a traditional cappuccino is usually understood to include the milk and foam in equal quantities. Want more foam and less milk in the middle? Order your cappuccino dry. Want less foam and more milk? Order it wet, though some will argue you are elbowing into latte territory at this point.
  3. Sweet venti lies: A traditional cappuccino is known for a strong espresso flavor and for reasonably equal parts of milk and foam. Because of this, a cappuccino traditionalist will tell you that the idea of a 20-ounce cappuccino (or really anything much more than 8 ounces), is laughable. Why? The larger the drink, the more milk required, which dilutes the strength of the taste and makes achieving even ratios impossible. (Making the “microfoam” in large quantities is either a) impossible or b) requires ridiculous amounts of milk, depending on who you ask.)

Latte

What is it

Espresso topped by a generous amount of steamed milk topped by a thin layer of milk foam.

Trivia trio

  1. Gateway drug: Lattes are famously creamy. Indeed, espresso is such an intense coffee experience that when it first migrated out of Italy, foreigners found it bitter so they sweetened it with generous ratios of hot milk. The latte was born, and we are still experimenting with the right ratios of espresso dilution to this day. For many, this not only includes milk but a litany of syrups.
  2. Don’t order in Italy: When in Rome, be sure to order a “caffe latte.” Make the mistake of ordering just a latte, and the waiter will bring you a glass of milk. (“Latte” means milk in Italian. In a pinch, though, I think “Oreo” still means Oreo.)
  3. Not black and (flat) white: Want to add a layer of interpretation to the difference between a cappuccino and a latte? Done. The extra layer is called a flat white. The anecdotal origins of the flat white go back to Australians and Kiwis feeling ripped off by all the foam they were being served on their cappuccinos. Instead of a cup filled with “air,” they wanted it filled to the top with the foam chopped off — a flat, white coffee of espresso and milk. Thus, the flat white sounds very much like an Australian latte. Perhaps, but if you need to differentiate, here are two ways: 1) the foam on top may be even flatter in a flat white; 2) the drink typically features a stronger coffee flavor than a latte, gained by using a higher ratio of espresso to milk and/or ristretto shots.  

Mocha

What is it

Espresso topped by steamed milk, milk foam, and chocolate (ooh, and maybe whipped cream!)

Trivia trio

  1. Cuckoo for cocoa: A mocha is a latte with chocolate, but from here the recipe diverts a million ways: varieties of chocolate from white to dark, forms of chocolate from syrup to powder, quantities of chocolate from chunks to dusting.
  2. Mocha vs. Mokha vs. Moka vs. Moca vs. Mocca: The word “mocha” first got mixed up with coffee not thanks to chocolate, but thanks to a port in Yemen. A Yemeni bean exported out of the Port of Mokha came to be referred to as mocha coffee. This coffee became so popular that many people took to calling coffee “mocha” the way some people call it joe. But the confusion was just getting started. In the 1930s, an Italian inventor came up with a new pot for brewing coffee and called it Moka (after this same port, by all indications). So it naturally follows that today, most American consumers only know the word mocha as referring to chocolatey coffee. Say what?
  3. So … about the chocolate: OK, so there are a couple possibilities as to how mocha became associated with chocolate. The first is that the Yemeni mocha bean wasn’t as fruity or floral as coffee from other regions and was more likely described as earthy — even “chocolatey.” At least that makes some sense. Another school of thought is that someone — probably an American — randomly put chocolate coffee on a menu as “mocha” one day and the muddled marketing just stuck. Either way, the word is far more rooted in an ancient Yemeni port than it is in chocolate.

Americano

What is it

Espresso mixed with hot water

Trivia trio

  1. It’s that dilution thing again: Like milk’s role in a latte, water serves as the americano’s star in taking the edge off the strong espresso taste. As such, the ratio of water to espresso can vary widely depending on the desired result.
  2. The ‘long black’ difference: A common way to make an Americano is to brew espresso and “just add water.” Some prefer the opposite approach, however: start with water and brew or pour the espresso on top. This drink is referred to as a long black, and its difference chiefly lies in the crema produced by the espresso. When poured last, it is less disturbed or mixed into the drink. Some people prefer this, while others find the crema, while pleasing to look at, adds unnecessary bitterness to the drink and should be removed.   
  3. Made in America? There’s no doubt the name “americano” is a direct connection to America (the word is Italian for “American”). The most popular origin story may be apocryphal, but it’s become widespread: American GIs sent to Italy during and following World War II found the espresso to be too strong. They longed for coffee that tasted more like what they were used to back home, so they added water. Presto, americano!

Next week: “How much should I tip? (And other coffeeshop etiquette)”

This is the seventh in a 10-part series, “Coffee for the Average Josh,” releasing Fridays this fall. Get your fix of Coffee 101 by signing up to receive an email when the next post drops.

Previous:

  1. Where do coffee babies come from? (Oct. 2, 2020)
  2. Growing up on the coffee farm (Oct. 9, 2020)
  3. 3 reasons to pay more for your coffee (Oct. 16, 2020)
  4. 5 factors of great-tasting coffee (Oct. 23, 2020)
  5. How do you take your coffee? (Oct. 30, 2020)
  6. What is espresso? (Nov. 6, 2020)

Growing up on the coffee farm

October 9, 2020
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<Coffee for the Average Josh, Part 2 of 10>

Imagine you are a young Arabica coffee bean, brimming with hopes and dreams. You yearn to make it to the big-time: say, served up at a specialty coffee shop in Seattle.

You may as well aspire to be the starting quarterback for the Seahawks.

If this is your ambition, the road will be long, and the competition will be fierce. It will require an elite level of excellence that separates you from your peers — and a whole lot of luck.

The early years

The perfect farm, the ideal tree

Step one to becoming the Russell Wilson of coffee beans is to come into the world on a respected, well-connected, high-quality coffee farm that is:

  • Located in the tropics (but far from life on the beach)
  • At least 3,000 feet in elevation (5,000 is even better, but stay below the frost line)
  • Experiencing sustained cool weather (this promotes slow, flavor-packing growth)
  • Staffed with patient, selective farmers (bonus points for valuing excellence over profit)

So, yeah, just get dealt all four aces.

You will likely be welcomed into the world as a twin, one of two seeds growing inside of a coffee cherry.

The plant you grow on may be referred to as a tropical evergreen shrub or small tree. It likely started as a bean in a nursery, and it was at least 3 years old before it began producing coffee beans like you. Left alone, coffee trees can stretch to 15 feet or more, but your ideal host is likely maintained as a 3- to 7-foot shrub and counted on to produce coffee beans for 40-plus years.

Ugh, middle school

Uneven maturity and getting picked

Remember when you showed up for sixth grade but could pass for a kindergartner — and learned the bullies had grown 50 pounds of muscle and facial hair over the summer? The very same thing happens to coffee cherries. All start tiny and green. Some grow fast, while others take up to nine months to fully ripen (usually to a cherry red color).

This is bad news if your coffee tree is machine harvested. Machine harvesting is like the first day of middle school — everyone walks in at a different maturity level, and no one bothers to sort it out. There are even a few of those “old-soul” berries who have soured on the whole junior high scene before it’s even started. No matter, the machine plucks every coffee cherry simultaneously, producing an uneven crop that’s not going to taste right in the end.

This is why NFL quarterback-quality coffee is harvested by hand. It’s as if the popular kids have been let loose in the fields; they only look at appearance and could care less about your feelings. After ignoring you time and again, one day you finally fit their exact criteria and they pick you.

Sure, they did it for their own selfish reasons and will soon forget about you, but you’ve been picked! It’s time to take advantage of your opportunity.

Coffee Prep High School

Cleaning up and making the grade

Until now, Mr. Bean, you were protected by a cherry. But grades are about to count. At the coffee farm, this high school experience is called processing. You’ll start as a cherry, and be released into the world as a shiny, green bean. There’s a lot of work to do before graduation day.

Most first-class beans like you are schooled via the “washed process,” so that’s what we will describe step by step. But briefly, there is an alternative method called the “natural process” by which the cherry is basically left to bake in the sun like a California raisin. Only then is the bean removed in all of its sticky, pulpy glory. Far from a clean bean, the natural process is known for producing some spectacularly fruity coffee — as well as some tooty-fruity drivel — so it’s a bit of a dice roll.

But you, our starting QBean, will achieve fame through the washed process:

Step 1: Sink, don’t swim

After being picked, you and your friends are treated to a pool party. If you float, bad news — you haven’t ripened properly. You’re sent to coffee jail. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200. You and your fellow prisoners will be processed and sold on the cheap, turned into freeze-dried instant coffee and shipped to a military outpost in Siberia.

Step 2: Pulp-erization

You sunk? Perfect. Now it’s off to the depulping machine for a true coming-of-age experience, where you are stripped of your fruit flesh once and for all. It’s the world’s first glimpse of the bean you were made to be, in all of your glory.

Step 3: Another bath

The “washed process” ain’t nothing without one more dip in a tank. This time it’s for a little fermentation, which is a fancy science way to wash off the still-sticky fruit instead of having your dog lick it off.

Step 4: How about a shower?

This is one of those pools where you are required to rinse off after you exit, just to make sure all the cherry is washed away.

Step 5: Sunbathing

Who said the bean life lacked luxury? Next, you lay out on a patio or drying table where attentive servants turn you regularly so you get a nice, even tan. (OK, so it’s just to dry off — you can brown later. But after all that washing, it can take a few days to reach your targeted moisture content of around 10 percent, so enjoy it.)

Step 6: Long nap

Next, head to a dark place to siesta for a month or two. Seriously: Coffee needs its sleep. This extra bit of aging helps to seal the bean’s natural flavor. For beans, this extended nap doubles as strength training, helping to ward off future deterioration and unwanted “seasoning” once you leave the safety of the farm.

Step 7: Buff it out

Until now, L.L. Cool Bean, you have been covered by protective parchment, a thin layer that must be shed before finals. Enter some last-minute hulling, polishing and cleaning — beautiful!

Step 8: Final exams

Average Joes look to get by and graduate, but you’ve been aiming for valedictorian. At ideal farms, this step is meticulous and typically done by hand. You are graded on density, color and size. Many times, you are scrutinized for ideal characteristics sought for a particular flavor profile. Here’s hoping you’ve got what they’re looking for, kid.

Step 9: Shipping off

The world is your oyster, bean! Hop into a burlap bag with 130-150 pounds of your best pals, and it’s time to travel. Most often, you will be sealed in a shipping container and floated by sea to far-flung ports, where you are distributed, roasted and consumed.

Fingers crossed, you’ll be drafted by Seattle.


Next: “3 reasons to pay more for your coffee”

This is the second in a 10-part series, “Coffee for the Average Josh,” releasing Fridays this fall. Get your fix of Coffee 101 by signing up to receive an email when the next post drops.

Previous: “Where do coffee babies come from?”  

1 Comment
    Dave Perry says: Reply
    September 11th 2020, 8:32 am

    I think I want to try all of them.

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