Main LogoIPhone LogoIPad Logo
  • Blog
  • Conversations
  • Shops
  • Friends
  • About
  • HIRE JOSH

Crazy coffee orders that were actually placed

August 7, 2020
1
1
Share

To introduce a new series on coffee literacy called Coffee for the Average Josh, I asked some friends about the craziest coffee orders they’ve ever received.

The responses didn’t necessarily help me discover gaps in what people know about coffee, but they did prove that people have a sense of humor …

“A 24 ounce caramel, creme de menthe, white chocolate powder, butterscotch, English toffee, peppermint and white coffee. He called it the spicy hoppin’ grasshopper with a twist.”

— Anabel, Crush Coffee Bar


“A 16 ounce extra hot latte with 3/4 pumps of Irish cream, 3/4 vanilla, stirred once to the right and three times to the left with whip. The employee said, ‘You’re funny,’ thinking he was joking, but his reply was, ‘I am serious,’ with no smile.”

— Kim Cline, Shotzy’s Coffee


“A 32 ounce ‘blended cappuccino’ (not a thing) with seven pumps of hazelnut, seven pumps of vanilla bean and seven pumps of peppermint. Yikes.”

— Rosa, Bee Kind Coffee


“A quad 20 ounce s’mores mocha. Might not sound that strange except the majority of my customers were medical staff. … You’d think such clientele would have a more cautioned and reasoned approach to sugar and caffeine. Not so much. They did tip well, though.”

— Josh Jensen, Jensen Handcrafted
(Plus former barista and jack of all trades)


“Here is one that our Pines crew received through Uber: 32 ounce caramel; chocolate; dark chocolate; white chocolate; pumpkin; Irish cream; caramel syrup; salted caramel; blue raspberry; banana; with one white, one dark, one ristretto; whip with matcha sprinkled on top of the whip.”

— Christopher Arkoosh, Wake Up Call


“I’ve been doing this for so long nothing can be too weird at this point, but back in the day I used to think the craziest was your typical, ‘I’ll have a 12 ounce hot, but not too hot, 130 degrees, split shot (half decaf, half regular), sugar free vanilla, not a lot of syrup, only half a pump, no foam, Americano, with coconut milk. Make sure and give me about 2 inches of that coconut milk! Oh, and no sleeve but with straws. I want a big straw, not small straws.’ This unfortunately is now a regular thing so I’m used to it.”

— Tasha Branning, The Blissful Whisk


Want to gain a little coffee confidence and enjoy a couple laughs along the way? Follow the “Coffee for the Average Josh” post series by signing up for the free CoffeeJosh newsletter. Other great spots to check out include Instagram or Facebook.

coffee
Related Posts

Growing up on the coffee farm

October 9, 2020
2
0

<Coffee for the Average Josh, Part 2 of 10>

Imagine you are a young Arabica coffee bean, brimming with hopes and dreams. You yearn to make it to the big-time: say, served up at a specialty coffee shop in Seattle.

You may as well aspire to be the starting quarterback for the Seahawks.

If this is your ambition, the road will be long, and the competition will be fierce. It will require an elite level of excellence that separates you from your peers — and a whole lot of luck.

The early years

The perfect farm, the ideal tree

Step one to becoming the Russell Wilson of coffee beans is to come into the world on a respected, well-connected, high-quality coffee farm that is:

  • Located in the tropics (but far from life on the beach)
  • At least 3,000 feet in elevation (5,000 is even better, but stay below the frost line)
  • Experiencing sustained cool weather (this promotes slow, flavor-packing growth)
  • Staffed with patient, selective farmers (bonus points for valuing excellence over profit)

So, yeah, just get dealt all four aces.

You will likely be welcomed into the world as a twin, one of two seeds growing inside of a coffee cherry.

The plant you grow on may be referred to as a tropical evergreen shrub or small tree. It likely started as a bean in a nursery, and it was at least 3 years old before it began producing coffee beans like you. Left alone, coffee trees can stretch to 15 feet or more, but your ideal host is likely maintained as a 3- to 7-foot shrub and counted on to produce coffee beans for 40-plus years.

Ugh, middle school

Uneven maturity and getting picked

Remember when you showed up for sixth grade but could pass for a kindergartner — and learned the bullies had grown 50 pounds of muscle and facial hair over the summer? The very same thing happens to coffee cherries. All start tiny and green. Some grow fast, while others take up to nine months to fully ripen (usually to a cherry red color).

This is bad news if your coffee tree is machine harvested. Machine harvesting is like the first day of middle school — everyone walks in at a different maturity level, and no one bothers to sort it out. There are even a few of those “old-soul” berries who have soured on the whole junior high scene before it’s even started. No matter, the machine plucks every coffee cherry simultaneously, producing an uneven crop that’s not going to taste right in the end.

This is why NFL quarterback-quality coffee is harvested by hand. It’s as if the popular kids have been let loose in the fields; they only look at appearance and could care less about your feelings. After ignoring you time and again, one day you finally fit their exact criteria and they pick you.

Sure, they did it for their own selfish reasons and will soon forget about you, but you’ve been picked! It’s time to take advantage of your opportunity.

Coffee Prep High School

Cleaning up and making the grade

Until now, Mr. Bean, you were protected by a cherry. But grades are about to count. At the coffee farm, this high school experience is called processing. You’ll start as a cherry, and be released into the world as a shiny, green bean. There’s a lot of work to do before graduation day.

Most first-class beans like you are schooled via the “washed process,” so that’s what we will describe step by step. But briefly, there is an alternative method called the “natural process” by which the cherry is basically left to bake in the sun like a California raisin. Only then is the bean removed in all of its sticky, pulpy glory. Far from a clean bean, the natural process is known for producing some spectacularly fruity coffee — as well as some tooty-fruity drivel — so it’s a bit of a dice roll.

But you, our starting QBean, will achieve fame through the washed process:

Step 1: Sink, don’t swim

After being picked, you and your friends are treated to a pool party. If you float, bad news — you haven’t ripened properly. You’re sent to coffee jail. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200. You and your fellow prisoners will be processed and sold on the cheap, turned into freeze-dried instant coffee and shipped to a military outpost in Siberia.

Step 2: Pulp-erization

You sunk? Perfect. Now it’s off to the depulping machine for a true coming-of-age experience, where you are stripped of your fruit flesh once and for all. It’s the world’s first glimpse of the bean you were made to be, in all of your glory.

Step 3: Another bath

The “washed process” ain’t nothing without one more dip in a tank. This time it’s for a little fermentation, which is a fancy science way to wash off the still-sticky fruit instead of having your dog lick it off.

Step 4: How about a shower?

This is one of those pools where you are required to rinse off after you exit, just to make sure all the cherry is washed away.

Step 5: Sunbathing

Who said the bean life lacked luxury? Next, you lay out on a patio or drying table where attentive servants turn you regularly so you get a nice, even tan. (OK, so it’s just to dry off — you can brown later. But after all that washing, it can take a few days to reach your targeted moisture content of around 10 percent, so enjoy it.)

Step 6: Long nap

Next, head to a dark place to siesta for a month or two. Seriously: Coffee needs its sleep. This extra bit of aging helps to seal the bean’s natural flavor. For beans, this extended nap doubles as strength training, helping to ward off future deterioration and unwanted “seasoning” once you leave the safety of the farm.

Step 7: Buff it out

Until now, L.L. Cool Bean, you have been covered by protective parchment, a thin layer that must be shed before finals. Enter some last-minute hulling, polishing and cleaning — beautiful!

Step 8: Final exams

Average Joes look to get by and graduate, but you’ve been aiming for valedictorian. At ideal farms, this step is meticulous and typically done by hand. You are graded on density, color and size. Many times, you are scrutinized for ideal characteristics sought for a particular flavor profile. Here’s hoping you’ve got what they’re looking for, kid.

Step 9: Shipping off

The world is your oyster, bean! Hop into a burlap bag with 130-150 pounds of your best pals, and it’s time to travel. Most often, you will be sealed in a shipping container and floated by sea to far-flung ports, where you are distributed, roasted and consumed.

Fingers crossed, you’ll be drafted by Seattle.


Next: “3 reasons to pay more for your coffee”

This is the second in a 10-part series, “Coffee for the Average Josh,” releasing Fridays this fall. Get your fix of Coffee 101 by signing up to receive an email when the next post drops.

Previous: “Where do coffee babies come from?”  

Help for your writing (with Bobby Knight)

April 29, 2020
0
3

For quarantine last week, I introduced the daughters to a famously temperamental basketball coach known for his adversarial relationship with writers. One thing led to another, an old chair was thrown and an obscenely under-funded video was produced.

I’ve been trying to brand the communication side of the business with the tagline, “You do great things. I do your writing.”

Perhaps more appropriate for COVID: “Creating low-budget videos using the app that came with my phone (the writing, though!).”


Would you do me a favor?

Join the CoffeeJosh mailing list. It’s hurry-free, spam-free and also free … free. As a thanks, I’ll send you a PDF — you guessed it, free — that has 10 of the best coffee shop orders in the Spokane area. (All 10 are drinks and treats local coffee shop owners make for themselves. In this case, expect to pay for your order and feel like it was totally worth it.)

1 Comment
    Dave Perry says: Reply
    September 11th 2020, 8:32 am

    I think I want to try all of them.

Leave a Reply Cancel reply

Your email address will not be published.

© 2020 Peridot Publishing. All Rights Reserved.