Love yourself first

March 19, 2020
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Guest post by Kylie Johnson

“Before I love someone else, I’ve got to love myself.” Recognize that line from the song “Save Myself” by Ed Sheeran? Or maybe you have heard “Lose You To Love Me” by Selena Gomez? Those two songs talk about loving yourself before you get into a romantic relationship.

But how do I love myself, and why is it important to love yourself before going into a relationship? Like a lot of teens, I have questions on this topic, so I decided to invite my crazily artistic, fun-loving and beautiful aunt to coffee to talk about it.

Hannah Johnson has an undergraduate degree in psychology and was recently accepted into Gonzaga to pursue a masters in school counseling and become a licensed professional counselor. We decided to go to The Garden Coffee and Local Eats, and she brought along her 5-year-old son, Oakley, who was kind enough to take our picture for this story. The coffee was so good! I was trying hard to focus on the subject at hand, but my mind would go back to my delicious blended mocha.

Hannah wisely approached this subject with a definition.

”I think it’s important to define self love as valuing yourself as a whole and having confidence in who you are; it’s important to recognize that it’s different from simply comparing yourself to others or being self-focused,” she said. “Some people think it’s narcissistic, but it’s really just having a value of yourself and where you’re at. Self love is just a healthy view of yourself; it’s healthy for everybody.” 

  • Hannah Johnson and Kylie Johnson enjoy chilly beverages and meaningful conversation at The Garden Coffee and Local Eats (prior to recent COVID-19 restrictions). Photo credit: Oakley Johnson, 5-year-old master photographer

How could I build my self love? Like a lot of people, I can be pretty hard on myself, and I could work on building my self-compassion. Hannah gave multiple great points, such as following positive accounts on Instagram, doing fun leisure activities and building social connections. 

“Your peers can influence you even more than a trusted adult, parent or guardian,” she said. “If your peers are not boosting your self-esteem, then you need to notice that and maybe put some distance there.” 

What does self love look like when you’re ready to go into a romantic relationship? Hannah listed three areas to get right first. The first one is self kindness; don’t criticize yourself for your flaws. Then you need to realize your common humanity, which is that everyone makes mistakes and acknowledging the weaknesses you have makes you human. The final step is mindfulness, which is to be aware of negative self talk. All of us can grow in an area or two, but that’s no reason to beat yourself up about it.

Wait … if you don’t love yourself and you dive into a romantic relationship, is that really a bad thing? How would it affect the relationship? Would it affect the relationship? 

”It can totally affect your relationship because if you don’t recognize your own self worth then you can begin to expect others to fill that hole,” she said. “You also won’t be able to protect yourself and stand up for yourself in tough situations.” 

“Some people think it’s narcissistic, but it’s really just having a value of yourself and where you’re at. Self love is just a healthy view of yourself; it’s healthy for everybody.” 

Hannah Johnson

Hannah also said that if your self love is at an unhealthy spot it will negatively affect both sides of the relationship. One person will need to take more than they can give, which is exhausting for both people.

That makes sense, but what should I do if I’m in a relationship when one person does not have a healthy amount of self love? Hannah suggested that in these seasons, the healthier partner needs to have sensitivity and awareness and help the other person practice self love. Self love isn’t going to be natural for everybody. If it’s at a really unhealthy point, then you may need to break it off and give them time to focus on themselves. If they are hurting themselves, then it will be harder but still be the right thing to do.

”In the end, everyone is responsible for their own actions,” Hannah said. 

If you need to work on self love and you’re in a romantic relationship, you need to realize that it’s not selfish to take time to yourself and break it off, if that’s what you feel like you need to do. You should know that it’s not the other person’s responsibility to carry your negative self talk burden and that you can’t rely on them to feel good. In either situation, it’s never bad to go and talk to a counselor or someone you trust so they can give you input.

Hannah and I sure had some deep conversations about this topic while little Oakley played on his tablet and my phone. Our drinks were amazing, and I absolutely loved the vibe and atmosphere of The Garden. It was a great place to just share a treat with a loved one and talk. I learned so much more about this topic because of Hannah and give her much thanks. I’m glad I could show myself a little love with the blended mocha and whether it’s with a coffee or just giving myself grace, I think I’m going to start treating myself more often.

Guest contributor Kylie Johnson is a freshman at Mica Peak High School in Spokane Valley. She drinks blended mochas, eats ice cream by the pint and plans to marry Five Seconds of Summer drummer Ashton Irwin. Until they get the chance to actually meet, she is focusing on self-compassion.

While you’re here, would you do me a favor?

If you enjoy articles like this one, join the CoffeeJosh mailing list. It’s hurry-free, spam-free and also free … free. As a thanks, I’ll send you a PDF — you guessed it, free — that has 10 of the best coffee shop orders in the Spokane area. (All 10 are drinks and treats local coffee shop owners make for themselves. In this case, expect to pay for your order and feel like it was totally worth it.)

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VSCO Girls, Unfiltered: A primer for the rest of us

October 31, 2019
6

This summer, I started experiencing symptoms of anxiety I have come to refer to as “Panic! At The VSCO.” But “Stranger Things” happened, and now I have high, high hopes.

Yeah, maybe I should explain.

It all started when my two daughters, ages teen and tween, began adopting the term, “VSCO Girl” (pronounced like “disco” with a “v”). Were they becoming VSCO Girls? Were they Mean-Girling VSCO Girls? What even is a VSCO Girl?

Scrambling for clues, I would walk into a room and exclaim something like, “You two seem to be having a regular VSCO ball in here!”

“Sksksk,” they would respond. “And I oop-!”

Before “Stranger Things,” I might have been flummoxed by this foreign language. But then I remembered these same daughters and I dig-dug out my Nintendo 64 this summer to play classics like Galaga and Pac-Man, a video game session inspired by the the hugely popular Netflix show set in the ‘80s of my childhood. (I mean, it’s one thing for me to think the circa 1984 “Palace Arcade” scenes were rad, but the kids were stoked to the max! And so outwardly I was all, “Have a cow, kids, you are barfing me out.” But inside I was like, “Psych! This is wicked tubular. We can veg like homies!”)

If this Netflix generation can embrace things important to a Gen Xer like me, surely I could walk a mile in platform VSCO Vans.

But I would need a Dustin. Fortunately for me, one of the region’s leading VSCO instructors is my niece. At 16, Rachel Kimberley is versed in VSCO vernacular, but she also can speak the language of fragile, elderly uncles. When she was just 10, she baby-stepped me through the confusion and betrayal I experienced during that whole Prince Hans plot twist in “Frozen.”

Up for another challenge, Rachel agreed to teach me the ways of the VSCO. Knowing this wouldn’t be easy, she enlisted the help of fellow VSCO sensei and Central Valley High School student, Ali Hassett.

  • From left, Ali Hassett and Rachel Kimberley served as VSCO instructors

“A VSCO Girl is someone who fits a certain aesthetic,” Rachel began.

And with that, the girls barely took a breath breaking down the VSCO bona fides of beachy bracelets and Birkenstocks, shell necklaces and scrunchies, Hydro Flasks and hair in a messy bun, AirPods and oversized T-shirts — “with shorts under them, so you can’t tell they are wearing pants,” Ali explained, adding that the whole vibe is “supposed to look effortless, but you put a lot of effort into it.”

“Yeah, like you have to make it perfect, but you say, ‘just woke up,’” Rachel agreed.

Not that the girls are complaining, as apparently this VSCO thing has really taken off.

“It’s nice to have it be trendy to not look super nice all the time, to be able to wear shorts and T-shirts and still be considered trendy,” Ali said. “You can look more natural, have your hair in a bun, and that’s kind of cool.”

This particular craze has its roots in a photo editing app called VSCO that is known for accentuating a laid-back, beach day feel with its photo filters. (Helpful tip: The app’s most popular filters are probably C1, F2 and G3, so I would totally start there if you ever find yourself across the table from a VSCO Girl, playing Battleship.)

Unlike Instagram and similar social media sites, VSCO photos shared within the app cannot be “liked” or commented upon. This adds a level of purity to the VSCO allure. VSCO Girls have a look, but they are unpretentious about it.

In fact, VSCO Girls are often quite outward-focused and practical, particularly when it comes to environmental causes. In online caricatures especially, however, VSCO Girls can be portrayed as annoying, with over-the-top references to catchphrases like “sksksk,” “and I oop-” and “#savetheturtles” (see “VSCO Vocab,” below).

“The good part is that some people actually want to save the turtles, like there’s actual VSCO girls that fight to save turtles, like no joke, so that’s kind of cool,” Rachel said.

So cool that Rachel and Ali would self-identify as VSCO Girls?

“I feel like we’re VSCO, but some people have a certain personality that goes with it, and we just don’t have that personality,” Rachel said of the exaggerated representations.

Ali said there is a style of VSCO that is more pure and pragmatic, like her cheerleader friend who is collecting plastic bottles to bring attention to trash in the ocean and its impact on endangered species.

“If (VSCO) had started as not being annoying, I would definitely want to embrace it more,” Ali said.

Extreme typecasts aside, both girls embrace the practical, easygoing and purposeful aspects of VSCO wholeheartedly, and Ali in particular.

“But I don’t say, ‘And I oop-’ unless I’m joking around,” she laughed.

By the end of our conversation, Rachel and Ali had not only put my mind at ease about my daughters’ VSCO sensibilities but had gained an ambassador. Emboldened by the lesson of “Stranger Things,” I suggested that perhaps older folks should break out a few VSCO moves ourselves.

“If my mom started wearing shell necklaces and big T-shirts, I would be like, ‘What are you doing? What is going on?’” Ali said, letting me down gently. “I think it’s more of a high schooler type thing.”

Fine.

But it’s still pretty cool, this bridging of the generation gap through mutual interest and understanding. Now I know VSCO. As my old Army friend, Joe, likes to remind me, “Knowing is half the battle.”

VSCO VOCAB

VSCO: Short for Visual Supply Company, this photo editing app is known for preset filters that convey a sun-drenched, California vibe.

VSCO Girl: Someone who fits the VSCO aesthetic, telltale signs for which typically include a beachy, informal fashion sensibility and a concern for environmental causes.

TikTok: A platform for sharing short-form mobile videos credited with popularizing the VSCO Girl caricature — particularly an annoying, exaggerated version of the VSCO Girl. This social media outlet is especially popular among teenagers.

“Sksksk”: VSCO-speak for laughter, typically as a typed replacement for “lol” in a text message or online comment. When spoken aloud, this “laughter” is often intended to be an extension of the joke itself. Along with “And I oop-” below, it is commonly used as the catchphrase of the VSCO Girl stereotype.

“And I oop-”: If a Hydro Flask falls in a high school cafeteria, this phrase will be right behind it. More than a simple “oops,” this phrase expresses surprise, shock or embarrassment. It is often written with a hyphen at the end, as if to say, “there’s more that could be said here about how I’m feeling, but I’m going to cut if off and move on.”

Where there is a VSCO Girl, there is likely a Hydro Flask within reach.

“Spill the tea”: Another way to say, “share the gossip.” Also commonly heard in other variations such as, “that’s the tea, sis,” this phrase enjoys wide usage, so while common among VSCO Girls, it is not VSCO-specific.

#savetheturtles: The most famous cause of the VSCO Girl stereotype, this hashtag is almost always connected with a message of saving marine animals like sea turtles from plastic straws and other common ocean garbage.

Sources: Rachel Kimberley, Ali Hassett, Google

Coffee Notes

As with all coffeejosh.com conversations, my discussion with the VSCO Girls included coffee, this time from Wake Up Call in Liberty Lake. I ordered a mocha (Wake Up Call’s version has a particularly smooth taste). A fan of all things pumpkin, Ali loves that Wake Up Call serves the autumn flavor year-round. She selected her go-to order, an iced pumpkin spice latte. Rachel? Well, she is a mint milkshake connoisseur trapped in the coffee-mad Inland Northwest. She ordered a white hot chocolate and said it was great, but for all her help, I probably owe her a shake.

  • If Ali and Rachel are any indication, VSCO Girls also have a great sense of humor and are kind to old people like me.
    Thanks, ladies! — Josh Johnson (soccer jersey: Sydney FC)

While you’re here, would you do me a favor?

If you enjoy articles like this one, join the CoffeeJosh mailing list. It’s hurry-free, spam-free and also free … free. As a thanks, I’ll send you a PDF — you guessed it, free — that has 10 of the best coffee shop orders in the Spokane area. (All 10 are drinks and treats local coffee shop owners make for themselves. In this case, expect to pay for your order and feel like it was totally worth it.)

2019: Year of Positivity … and brain cancer

November 28, 2019
0

On New Year’s Day 2019, Scott Hendricks resolved to be more positive. That was before the kidney stone, the stroke and the grand mal seizures. Before doctors found the brain tumor. Before the brain surgery he was kept awake for. Before the chemo. Before the radiation.

That was before two weeks ago, when the MRI showed no change. Before the chemo started up again.

Even so, as Scott described his 2019, sitting on the sofa at Cozy Coffee a week out from Thanksgiving, he was overflowing with gratitude. He was cracking jokes and testifying to miracles. He was raving about the breakfast wrap.

He was, in a word: positive.

• • •

Scott entered 2019 dissatisfied with several aspects of his life — his weight, his perspective at work, the impact negativity was having on his wife and two daughters.

So he resolved to be more positive, and the results were profound. With the help of Weight Watchers, he was down 60 pounds by July. Along the way, friends, family and coworkers remarked about his infectious, positive perspective.

  • Scott, Tori and their two girls sporting Brain Tumor Awareness bracelets at the Spokane River. The bracelets read: “Hope, Courage, Faith.”

He looked for the humor on May 9, when he drove himself to the hospital with terrible pain in his side. As a nurse wheeled him back for his CT scan, she remarked on the likelihood of a kidney stone.

“It’s either that or a 67-pound tumor, and if you take it out I’ll make my goal weight,” he jested.

The kidney stone was too big to pass and had to be removed surgically. He didn’t realize it at the time, but a far more serious surgery loomed.

• • •

In hindsight, the signs were there. Waking up at 2 a.m. in April from a sleep in which he bit a chunk out of his tongue. A mild seizure at work in May. Scott sees it as providence, God preparing him and his wife, Tori, for the camping trip in June when she woke up to him having a grand mal seizure.

By the time Scott woke up, the paramedics had arrived. A CT scan at a hospital in Newport showed a mass on his brain.

With all the tests to run and information to process, doctors spent nearly a month weighing the best course of action with Scott and his family. In the end, they decided on an awake craniotomy to remove the grade 2 astrocytoma tumor. The doctor explained the surgery: He would remove as much of the tumor as possible, and then he would wake Scott up so the medical team could monitor his movements, test his speech, and use his responses in order to most safely remove even more cancer.

With a theme of positivity and surrounded by the strength of Tori, their two daughters and his extended family, Scott went in for surgery July 17. While the majority of the tumor was removed, surgeons were unable to remove parts too closely enmeshed with optic nerves and vital brain functions. What’s more, Scott suffered a stroke during the surgery, and the doctor seemed amazed Scott was able to be up and talking, retaining his movement and faculties. All told, he spent only three days in the hospital.

• • •

Scott’s resolution to remain positive was consistently tested. As he recovered from surgery and faced the uncertainty of starting chemo and radiation, he also developed shoulder pain. Not for the first time, he struggled to sleep.

A Seattle visit with renowned natural health doctor and traumatic brain injury specialist Antoine Chevalier helped him to better understand the impact of negative thoughts and anger on his healing. Before he left town, his shoulder pain was gone.

The lessons helped him remain upbeat during his radiation at Cancer Care Northwest. With treatments five days a week for six weeks, he built relationships with the staff and fellow patients.

“The techs were so awesome,” Scott said, recalling great lengths they went to in order to make the experience as comfortable as possible. In typical fashion, he kept them on their toes, noting he was losing his hair in the areas where the radiation was focused. “And I was like, ‘My wife was wondering if you could target more around my nose.’”

The treatments typically moved like clockwork, but on one occasion he arrived to find a tense waiting room with appointments running 90 minutes behind schedule. Tapping into the power of positivity, he made it his mission to keep his mood up, and “that progressed into one of the most fun days, and that whole room was laughing.” Scott said while he may have got the ball rolling, soon multiple patients were laughing and joking with one another. One woman spit out her coffee. The hysteria attracted the attention of curious office workers.

“I had workers coming up to me weeks later saying, ‘We just want to thank you for that day that you helped that room make such a turn,’” he said.

• • •

Maybe the hardest part of being positive is simultaneously also being real. While he is focused on being upbeat, Scott isn’t interested in masking the facts about the cancer he is facing. In his mind, he pictures two railcars moving simultaneously down the tracks of his life. In one, Scott said he places thoughts true to his reality but that do him no good to dwell on: He could have a stroke; he could lose mobility; he could die.

“But I didn’t want to focus on (those things), and so I needed to separate it somehow,” he said.

Enter the other railcar, where he places the thoughts he can be positive about: That the tumor was finally discovered through his seizure; the faith he has in his doctors; the amazing support of his family, friends and coworkers at Collins Aerospace, where he has worked for 17 years.

“It’s clear and bright (on the positive side), so that’s what I choose to look at,” he said. “God’s with me and protecting me, and whether it’s His time to take me, it’s His plan.”

It’s clear and bright (on the positive side), so that’s what I choose to look at.

Scott Hendricks

When there was no change to his tumor after his recent MRI, Scott knew it would be a letdown to his family and friends who want to be able to use the word, “cured.”

“But my doctor told me, ‘for you, we can never say cancer free, because the best we can say is no evidence; you will be cured when you die,’” Scott said.

A lot of uncertainty remains. The tumor could become more aggressive — or the 42-year-old could make another lifetime’s worth of memories. For now, the tumor is still evident. Scott has started a new round of chemotherapy that will be followed by another MRI. The results of that test will determine the next steps.

“It doesn’t matter what (the MRI) shows, what matters is how I live today, that I’m alive today,” Scott said. “In that sense, the MRI isn’t really relevant to me. It’s something I want to pay attention to because I want to take care of myself, but the MRI is going to show what it’s going to show. I was walking around with a tumor for years, and I didn’t know it. But it was June when I was going to find out about it, and God started preparing me in January.”

Of that, he is absolutely positive.

Coffee Notes

Scott and I met for this conversation at Cozy Coffee, 514 N. Barker Road, Spokane Valley. Scott recommends the breakfast wrap (the burrito is also good, but go for the wrap because it includes fresh veggies). One of many reasons I like Cozy Coffee is the afternoon/evening hours (open until 7 p.m.), when it can be more difficult to find a coffee meeting location.

  • Scott Hendricks has been inspiring me for years with his positive, encouraging spirit and great sense of humor. Here we are Nov. 22 at Cozy Coffee. Thanks, Scott, for being my friend. — Josh Johnson (soccer jersey: Brisbane Roar)

While you’re here, would you do me a favor?

If you enjoy articles like this one, join the CoffeeJosh mailing list. It’s hurry-free, spam-free and also free … free. As a thanks, I’ll send you a PDF — you guessed it, free — that has 10 of the best coffee shop orders in the Spokane area. (All 10 are drinks and treats local coffee shop owners make for themselves. In this case, expect to pay for your order and feel like it was totally worth it.)

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