Help for your writing (with Bobby Knight)

April 29, 2020

For quarantine last week, I introduced the daughters to a famously temperamental basketball coach known for his adversarial relationship with writers. One thing led to another, an old chair was thrown and an obscenely under-funded video was produced.

I’ve been trying to brand the communication side of the business with the tagline, “You do great things. I do your writing.”

Perhaps more appropriate for COVID: “Creating low-budget videos using the app that came with my phone (the writing, though!).”

Would you do me a favor?

Join the CoffeeJosh mailing list. It’s hurry-free, spam-free and also free … free. As a thanks, I’ll send you a PDF — you guessed it, free — that has 10 of the best coffee shop orders in the Spokane area. (All 10 are drinks and treats local coffee shop owners make for themselves. In this case, expect to pay for your order and feel like it was totally worth it.)

Growing up on the coffee farm

October 9, 2020

<Coffee for the Average Josh, Part 2 of 10>

Imagine you are a young Arabica coffee bean, brimming with hopes and dreams. You yearn to make it to the big-time: say, served up at a specialty coffee shop in Seattle.

You may as well aspire to be the starting quarterback for the Seahawks.

If this is your ambition, the road will be long, and the competition will be fierce. It will require an elite level of excellence that separates you from your peers — and a whole lot of luck.

The early years

The perfect farm, the ideal tree

Step one to becoming the Russell Wilson of coffee beans is to come into the world on a respected, well-connected, high-quality coffee farm that is:

Located in the tropics (but far from life on the beach)
At least 3,000 feet in elevation (5,000 is even better, but stay below the frost line)
Experiencing sustained cool weather (this promotes slow, flavor-packing growth)
Staffed with patient, selective farmers (bonus points for valuing excellence over profit)

So, yeah, just get dealt all four aces.

You will likely be welcomed into the world as a twin, one of two seeds growing inside of a coffee cherry.

The plant you grow on may be referred to as a tropical evergreen shrub or small tree. It likely started as a bean in a nursery, and it was at least 3 years old before it began producing coffee beans like you. Left alone, coffee trees can stretch to 15 feet or more, but your ideal host is likely maintained as a 3- to 7-foot shrub and counted on to produce coffee beans for 40-plus years.

Ugh, middle school

Uneven maturity and getting picked

Remember when you showed up for sixth grade but could pass for a kindergartner — and learned the bullies had grown 50 pounds of muscle and facial hair over the summer? The very same thing happens to coffee cherries. All start tiny and green. Some grow fast, while others take up to nine months to fully ripen (usually to a cherry red color).

This is bad news if your coffee tree is machine harvested. Machine harvesting is like the first day of middle school — everyone walks in at a different maturity level, and no one bothers to sort it out. There are even a few of those “old-soul” berries who have soured on the whole junior high scene before it’s even started. No matter, the machine plucks every coffee cherry simultaneously, producing an uneven crop that’s not going to taste right in the end.

This is why NFL quarterback-quality coffee is harvested by hand. It’s as if the popular kids have been let loose in the fields; they only look at appearance and could care less about your feelings. After ignoring you time and again, one day you finally fit their exact criteria and they pick you.

Sure, they did it for their own selfish reasons and will soon forget about you, but you’ve been picked! It’s time to take advantage of your opportunity.

Coffee Prep High School

Cleaning up and making the grade

Until now, Mr. Bean, you were protected by a cherry. But grades are about to count. At the coffee farm, this high school experience is called processing. You’ll start as a cherry, and be released into the world as a shiny, green bean. There’s a lot of work to do before graduation day.

Most first-class beans like you are schooled via the “washed process,” so that’s what we will describe step by step. But briefly, there is an alternative method called the “natural process” by which the cherry is basically left to bake in the sun like a California raisin. Only then is the bean removed in all of its sticky, pulpy glory. Far from a clean bean, the natural process is known for producing some spectacularly fruity coffee — as well as some tooty-fruity drivel — so it’s a bit of a dice roll.

But you, our starting QBean, will achieve fame through the washed process:

Step 1: Sink, don’t swim

After being picked, you and your friends are treated to a pool party. If you float, bad news — you haven’t ripened properly. You’re sent to coffee jail. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200. You and your fellow prisoners will be processed and sold on the cheap, turned into freeze-dried instant coffee and shipped to a military outpost in Siberia.

Step 2: Pulp-erization

You sunk? Perfect. Now it’s off to the depulping machine for a true coming-of-age experience, where you are stripped of your fruit flesh once and for all. It’s the world’s first glimpse of the bean you were made to be, in all of your glory.

Step 3: Another bath

The “washed process” ain’t nothing without one more dip in a tank. This time it’s for a little fermentation, which is a fancy science way to wash off the still-sticky fruit instead of having your dog lick it off.

Step 4: How about a shower?

This is one of those pools where you are required to rinse off after you exit, just to make sure all the cherry is washed away.

Step 5: Sunbathing

Who said the bean life lacked luxury? Next, you lay out on a patio or drying table where attentive servants turn you regularly so you get a nice, even tan. (OK, so it’s just to dry off — you can brown later. But after all that washing, it can take a few days to reach your targeted moisture content of around 10 percent, so enjoy it.)

Step 6: Long nap

Next, head to a dark place to siesta for a month or two. Seriously: Coffee needs its sleep. This extra bit of aging helps to seal the bean’s natural flavor. For beans, this extended nap doubles as strength training, helping to ward off future deterioration and unwanted “seasoning” once you leave the safety of the farm.

Step 7: Buff it out

Until now, L.L. Cool Bean, you have been covered by protective parchment, a thin layer that must be shed before finals. Enter some last-minute hulling, polishing and cleaning — beautiful!

Step 8: Final exams

Average Joes look to get by and graduate, but you’ve been aiming for valedictorian. At ideal farms, this step is meticulous and typically done by hand. You are graded on density, color and size. Many times, you are scrutinized for ideal characteristics sought for a particular flavor profile. Here’s hoping you’ve got what they’re looking for, kid.

Step 9: Shipping off

The world is your oyster, bean! Hop into a burlap bag with 130-150 pounds of your best pals, and it’s time to travel. Most often, you will be sealed in a shipping container and floated by sea to far-flung ports, where you are distributed, roasted and consumed.

Fingers crossed, you’ll be drafted by Seattle.

**Next: “3 reasons to pay more for your coffee”**

This is the second in a 10-part series, “Coffee for the Average Josh,” releasing Fridays this fall. Get your fix of Coffee 101 by signing up to receive an email when the next post drops.

Previous: “Where do coffee babies come from?”

How do you take your coffee? Try these 10 ways

October 30, 2020

<Coffee for the Average Josh, Part 5 of 10>

Comedian Brian Regan feels insulted that Pop-Tarts come with printed preparation instructions.

“Can there be a simpler food item?” he says. “Like if the directions weren’t there, would someone be like, ‘How do I get that goodness in me?’”

Not so with coffee. There seem to be as many ways of consuming coffee as there are drinkers.

How do you take your coffee? Here are 10 ways coffee drinkers “get that goodness in me.” How many have you tried?

1. Cream and sugar

Classic. Every diner table worth its salt is stocked with these two options.

While seemingly straightforward, the options are endless. There are a million sugar alternatives — from Splenda to In the Raw —or sweeten the cup with a touch of honey.

Cream starts with dairy options like heavy whipping cream, half and half, and milk. Then there’s the litany of non-dairy commercial creamers with names like “Toasted Marshmallow Mocha” — which, incidentally rarely list marshmallows and chocolate as actual ingredients and is never actually toasted.

2. Decaffeinated

Love coffee but want to sleep soon? Decaf was made for you — though it wasn’t grown for you. Coffee beans are harvested with caffeine (you can’t order a decaf Arabica plant), and so the beans need to go through a process of decaffeination after leaving the farm but before they are roasted.

There are two common ways this is done: one you want to know about, and one you don’t.

The one you want to know has a beautiful name: the Swiss Water Process. Beans are soaked in water, and then a science glossary walks up and smacks the caffeine out of them using solubility, osmosis and a carbon filter.

The other way to decaffeinate is with a paint stripper. OK, OK, so it starts with a water soak but then a solvent thug is brought in to actually — avert your eyes, kids — bada-bing the caffeine right out of Mr. Bean. The most commonly used solvents are methylene chloride (used to strip paint) and ethyl acetate (used in nail polish remover).

But don’t worry, the FDA has signed off on the whole thing so long as the solvents that remain stay below certain thresholds, so … nighty-night.

3. Instant

The Pop-Tart of coffee in that it’s ready in a jiffy, the instant variety comes in a powder form — just add hot water!

This is not to be confused with ground coffee, which is just a pulverized coffee bean. Instant coffee, on the other hand, was actually once a brewed cup of coffee that — thanks to the magic of manufacturing and/or elves — transformed back into a solid granule state.

4. Iced

Iced coffee is simply coffee that was brewed hot and then cooled down by refrigeration or ice.

5. Cold brew

Unlike iced coffee, cold brew was always cold. For this method, coffee grounds are steeped in cold water, with recipes generally ranging from 12 to 24 hours. When you’re ready to drink, simply strain out the grounds. Cold brew fans tend to rave about its smooth taste and low acidity.

6. Frozen coffee

Frozen: It’s where coffee goes “Into the Unknown.” (Amirite, Elsa?)

With names like Vanilla Bean Frappuccino, McCafe Mocha Frappe, Frozen Dunkaccino, Cocomo Dutch Freeze, Caribou Cooler, Chick-fil-A Frosted Coffee, what we are essentially talking about here is a million different ways to make a coffee slushie.

Most use powder mixes because many customers prefer the consistency, though some may blend ice and espresso shots. Usually, they taste like dessert and can be indistinguishable from a chocolate milkshake. (If what you want is to blend in a hot espresso shot, it helps to specify that. Some people who want a little more of that coffee punch will even add a hot espresso shot to an instant coffee mix recipe.)

It’s worth the experimentation at your favorite shop. When you score a blended ice coffee drink that perfectly suits your palate, it’s a glorious thing.

In my experience, frozen coffee drinks are the hardest to order using a common vocabulary. For instance …

Frappe: As it refers to drinks, this word has French and Greek heritage. It typically refers to a recipe that is a combination of milk, sugar, ice and instant coffee mix.

Granita: Originating from Italy, this word describes a frozen treat that is served somewhere on the scale of shaved ice to Slurpee. Like those treats, granitas can be flavored with fruit syrups or other sweet accompaniments. Coffee is just one possible flavor for a granita.

But who cares, really? These are just two of many words in Coffee Land that are sometimes used interchangeably, sometimes used for clever marketing, rarely used correctly.

My advice: Enjoy another sip, Olaf, and “Let it Go.”

7. Affogato

In its purest (aka non-alcoholic) form, this dessert is usually represented by the following ratio: one scoop vanilla ice cream (or gelato, if you’re in Affogato’s original Italy), one hot shot of espresso poured on top.

8. White coffee

Not to be confused by coffee recipes that feature milk, such as the flat white, white coffee actually represents an extremely light roast of coffee. White coffee is said to originate in Yemen, and the taste of the roast is notably different than more traditionally roasted coffee. While the flavor can vary, it is typically marked by a nutty quality.

9. Dirty chai

Love tea and coffee? While a chai latte is a common coffee shop drink without the coffee (black tea and spices with steamed milk), it’s not uncommon for people to order drinks like this “dirty”? Don’t get the wrong idea. It just means adding coffee. Coffee-tea marriages are actually common worldwide, particularly in Asia.

10. Irish

If coffee and tea aren’t your thing, how about coffee and Irish whiskey? Irish coffee is just one of many recipes for making coffee that can be measured by “proof.”

What about common espresso drinks and at-home coffee?

In the second half of the Coffee for the Average Josh series, we will spend more time breaking down coffee at the shop (typically espresso) and coffee brewed in the home.

Next: What is espresso?

This is the fifth in a 10-part series, “Coffee for the Average Josh,” releasing Fridays this fall. Get your fix of Coffee 101 by signing up to receive an email when the next post drops.

Where do coffee babies come from? (Oct. 2, 2020)
Growing up on the coffee farm (Oct. 9, 2020)
3 reasons to pay more for your coffee (Oct. 16, 2020)
5 factors of great-tasting coffee (Oct. 23, 2020)